This is why we don't let men design gift wrap

Can you imagine explaining this to your mother-in-law?

 

 

Ahahahahahaha....good times.

Is that the Christmas Spirit or did my wine kick in?

We all need a Bastard Husband.

Granted, more than a few of us had one, have one, or will never marry another one.

But we all need a copy of Linda Lou's book "Bastard Husband: A Love Story".

If you haven't already bought your copy, I have to ask...what the hell are you waiting for???? This is THE BOOK to buy, whether you are male or female, married or single, gay or straight, sober or smashed, sane or a whackjob. There is something in it for everyone....lessons we can all learn from Linda's first year alone in Vegas following a midlife divorce.

See that Amazon link to the right at the top of my blog? CLICK ON IT NOW and go buy yourself a copy. And then several more for your friends. For the record, Linda Lou is also on Amazon.ca and Amazon UK, so wherever you live, you can get her book.

You know your Christmas shopping isn't done yet, so I'm making it easy for you. Click and buy one for everyone on your Christmas list. They will love you for it.

Trust me, everybody needs a Bastard Husband like this.

A Christmas Wish....again

Since Santa didn't exactly grant my wish last Christmas, I'm trying again this year.

Dear Santa,

I know I haven't written for awhile, but I thought this was a good year for us to reconnect. We've had a bit of a tumultuous past, you and I, but as I've grown up and matured, I have come to realize that I shouldn't expect to find happiness with a guy who travels with reindeer and plays with elves. I won't state the obvious about a guy who comes once a year either.

So, I want to take this opportunity to tell you that I forgive you for that whole Barbie Dream House debacle of 1969. Even though I was very specific about what I was looking for....the beautiful pink 4' tall model, 12 rooms, a master bath jacuzzi big enough for Ken and Barbie, three car garage for the Barbie Dream Car, Ken's Jeep, and a guest spot...I know it was too big to fit under the tree but if you recall I asked that you please put it on the left side of the tree so that as I ran into the room on Christmas morning, it's the last thing I saw.

Santa, you sat right there in the mall, looked me in the eyes and said "Julie, your Christmas will be dreamy...ho ho ho". Dreamy = Dream House in my 8 year old eyes.

Imagine my surprise when, in lieu of a beautiful Barbie Dream House on Christmas morning, I woke to find some horrible Barbie head with hair that you pulled out of her skull so it "grew"! Oh, and then you applied neon blue eye shadow to her eyes and this sticky gross "lipstick" in a God awful shade of pink to her clearly collagened lips. Seriously? This was your idea of my Barbie dream????? For years I refused to wear my hair in a ponytail for fear somebody was going to pull on it and I'd end up with yellow plastic hair down to my ass.

I digress. The reason for this letter is that I'd like us to make amends with each other. Let's call a truce, shall we? Obviously I haven't asked for a lot this past 30 years. But this year, there is something I really, really want, and I think you and I can work together to make it happen.

What I'm looking for this year is a great guy. I have a list of the specific qualities I'm looking for in a romantic partner which I will forward to you later, however to summarize I'm just really asking for the important things...passion, honesty, integrity, a sense of humor, financial stability, romance, etc. He can be a good solid 5 in the looks department, because frankly I consider myself about a 6 on most days, and you know that women always want to be the pretty one in a relationship.

Please note...I have a 4' tree. Please, please, please...do not attempt to put him under it. I'm not looking to date a midget.

If you can find it in your heart to grant my Christmas wish this year, I promise I will forget all about the Barbie Dream House.

Love,
Julie

P.S. If you could make him well endowed, that would really sweeten the deal. Thanks.

Bad Santa

Ho Ho Hopeless

I give up on dating. 

Seriously.

It's just too damn hard.

When you think about the sheer amount of people in this world, it shouldn't be that tough to find someone to go out with, right?

I see hundreds, if not thousands, of single men on dating sites. How can it be that there are so few that interest me?

Today, I was checking emails on a dating site and had three from...wait for it...a 28 year old guy.

I am 48. Damn close to 49.

I could be his mother older sister.

So while I'm reading his "Hi babe, you are gorgeous!" emails, an instant message pops up from him.

Needless to say I was pretty uninterested in talking to him. I have nothing in common with someone ten years older than my son.

But I was polite, and responded, and here's how the conversation went:

Him: Hi gorgeous!

Me: Hello

Him: Are you you?????

Me: Good, thanks and you?

Him: I am great!!!!!!

....long pause....

Him: So what are you up to?

Me: I'm working

Him: Really? Where?

....as if I'm going to tell him the location of my job.....

Me: I'm self employed.

Him: Wow, cool. I was last summer.

Me: (blink blink....doing what, mowing grass?)

Him: What do you do?

Me: I'm a realtor.

Him. So that means you won't be sleeping for the next month, right?

Me: Um...why wouldn't I?

Him: Retail...busiest time of the year.

Me: (OMG. Sweetie, did they teach reading at your high school?)

At this point I was ready to just ignore him, but I responded and said...

Me: No..."realtor".

Him: Ohhhhhhhhhh. RealTOR. Got it. Awesome.

Me: Yeah, awesome.

Him: Does anybody buy houses?

Me: No, nobody does. We give them away instead.

Him: Hahahahaha you're funny for realz.

Me: (I can't do this anymore or I will slit my own throat)

Him: So do you want to go to a club or something tonight when you get off work?

Me: (Still trying to figure out how I could be in retail and self employed? Does he think people work for Macys as subcontractors?)

Me: No, thank you. But I do need to go, lots of houses to give away today. Take care.

Him: Can we talk again?

Me: ::::disconnect::::

Being single isn't all that bad, right? I've got a great kid, nice house, good job, I don't mind taking out the trash or mowing the grass, and I've got a steady supply of AA batteries.

Maybe I should find myself a girlfriend instead.

Hell, who am I kidding? That would only work for me until it was my turn.

My romantic life is just ho ho hopeless this holiday season.

Sons of Anarchy Rocks My World

Seriously.

If you don't watch this show, you're nuts. Just read about it here so I don't have to write a four page blog about it.

It is the best fucking show on TV. It's on FX, which brings you my other favorite show, Rescue Me, and I just watched the Season Two Finale last night.

Oh. My. God.

Halfway through the show I kept putting the DVR on pause because I didn't want to get to the end and the season be over (you know how hard breaking up is for me!), plus I was half afraid of how it was going to end anyway and leave me hanging for another 10 months.

Sure enough, at the last scene I was on my couch screaming "Noooooooooooo!"

Thank God it's been renewed for a third season. It just can't start soon enough for me.

I don't know if they will start this season over in reruns now or what (I assume so but what do I know?), but for sure you can rent the first season on DVD and at least get started on it.

I highly recommend you do so. You have no idea what you're missing.

Kurt Sutter and his crew rock my world, baby.

What happens in Vegas....

Really should stay there.

His chest says "Man Whore For Tips".

This was taken on the Strip yesterday afternoon. Scary. You can click on it and get the bigger picture if you dare.

Odds and Ends aka Family Life

How can it be December 1st???? What happened to fall? It's suddenly 35 degrees again and getting colder by the day. Ugh. NOT ready for this. I miss my flip flops.

I got the Christmas tree up this weekend. It's not like it's a three hour ordeal to do. More like a three minute event.

A couple of years ago I gave up the big tree thing and now have a cute little four foot tree that sits in my bay window for the holidays. January 1st I throw a bag over the top of it, and put it in the garage, and after Thanksgiving, I bring it in the house, take the bag off, and put it in the window! Voila....Xmas decorating done.

It works out really well for us, my living room isn't that big and there really isn't anyplace to put a normal sized tree without moving furniture out, etc. And since Santa doesn't stop by our house anymore now that my son is grown, there is no need for room on the floor for toys under the tree. So our tree is in the window, and the lights look pretty from outside so the neighbors get to enjoy it as well.

Here's a picture, it's not easy to see it but it's really pretty, I swear. And look, I even have presents wrapped and under it already!!!

In other news, we were able to bring Mom home for Thanksgiving. It was really nice to have her there. She's been doing really well recently, they took her off of a medicine that she was on, and it's made a big difference in her. Her memory is better, she's more alert, and she's not sleeping nearly as much.

Here are some pictures from Thanksgiving....

This is me, my sister Patty, my Mom and my sister Sue Ellen (for the record, I'm in some serious pain in this pictures. I hurt my back bad trying to help get Mom into the car about an hour before these were taken, and it hurt so much that my son would literally have to grab my hands and pull me up from where I was sitting in these pictures because I could not stand up on my own!):

Me and Mom:

Mom giving her favorite daughter a kiss:

Mom and her grandchildren:

This one made me laugh, this is my sister Patty's three children....Molly, who is an attorney in Virginia; Josh who is in Ohio State's Veterinary School, and Maggie who works for AFI, and their pets. The two German Shepherds are Thelma and Louise, and they belong to Josh, and the black dog is Scarlett, Maggie's dog. We jokingly call them all Patty's granddogs.

And last but not least, this is a picture I scanned of Jordan tonight, when he was about four years old. Look at that face...it's always been one of my favorite pictures.

I think that's it. I'll stop boring you with family photos now!

This one's for you, boys.

Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house-mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit-shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from who knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes. Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job. Depending on your age you might do the following:

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing. Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes. Check yourself in the mirror and flex. Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane. And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt. Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair. Check yourself in the mirror. Still got it. Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell. The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing. Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat. Wash your hands. Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is
spicy.

In your 50's:

Stop what you are doing. Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt. Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports car. Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat. The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it. Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

In your 60's:

Stop what you are doing. No need for a hat anymore. Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes. The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's. You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants. The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing. Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too. Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's:

Stop what you are doing. Start again. Then stop again. Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Break wind loudly and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's:

What's a home deep hoe? Something for my garden? Where am I? Who am I? Why am I reading this? Did I send it? Did you? Who broke wind?

Tiger Ain't Out of the Woods Yet.

So let me get this straight....

Tiger Woods pulls out of his driveway at 2:30am and promptly runs over a fire hydrant and hits a tree. His wife, hearing the "crash", uses a golf club to break out the back window in order to get him out of the car. Tiger is in and out of consciousness when paramedics arrive, and he's taken to the hospital and treated for facial cuts and lacerations and released.

Now I have a few questions...

First of all, where's the dude going at 2:30am?

Second, cops say no alcohol is involved. Now call me crazy, but I'm guessing the guy has driven out of his own driveway more than a few times, and was aware of the fire hydrant and tree. Did they just jump out in front of him at that time of the morning?  Was he driving with his eyes shut?

Third, it's been publicized that the air bags did NOT deploy. So where did the cuts and lacerations on his face come from? The distance between the driveway and the fire hydrant isn't more than a few feet from what I've seen on the news, so he could not have been going over 10mph at the time of impact. So if he basically has "bumped" into something, going so slowly that the airbags didn't open up and smack him in the face, how did he get hurt?

Fourth, what was his wife doing with a golf club? Granted, I'm not married to a golfer but if I heard what sounded like a crash (or in this case, someone running over a fire hydrant....hardly generated impact sounds), my first impulse isn't to grab a golf club and run outside. However, she had to have brought it with her, because she couldn't have grabbed one out of his car to break a window, right?  Since evidently she couldn't get any doors open....thus the need to smash a window in the first place.

Fifth, if the airbags didn't deploy and the car clearly wasn't that wrecked, why was she "rescuing him from the wreckage by smashing out the back window and helping him out". Why didn't she just open the door? The airbags didn't go off, folks. That tells me right there, that there wasn't much impact, so I don't imagine his drivers side door was smashed shut.

Sixth, why was he in and out of conciousness laying in the road after his wife "dragged him out of the car"? Again...little impact!

Seventh, what's with him refusing to meet with police? For two days now he's dodged them and refused to talk about the accident. If it was an accident...he pulled out of the driveway, reached over to change the radio station and ran over a fire hydrant, over corrected and hit a tree...why not just tell the cops that? Why is he being so secretive and acting like he's trying to cover something up?

Oh wait.

Rumors are running rampant that he's been having an affair and he and the wife were fighting. So maybe the real story is that she beat the crap out of him, chased him out of the house with a golf club, smashed his car window, and he drove off rather wildly, and hit a few inanimate objects.

Now, *that* makes sense.

Tiger, Tiger, Tiger. You aren't out of the woods yet, my dear. But I have a feeling this is going to get very interesting soon.

Dirty Minds

When you get me wet, I can start to make noise.

If you bang my box, I could spew all over you.

You really want to eat me in the morning.

What am I?

Talk dirty to me.

Since it's the day before Thankgiving, I thought I'd better do some sort of turkey related post. So here you go!



Top 10 Things That Sound Dirty At Thanksgiving But Aren't:

10. Talk about huge breasts...

9. Whew, that's one terrific spread...

8. It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?

7. Don't play with your meat!

6. Just spread the legs open and stuff it in.

5. You still have a little bit on your chin.

4. How long do I beat it before it's ready?

3. I didn't expect everyone to come at once.

2. I'm in the mood for a little dark meat.

...and the number one thing that sounds dirty but isn't....

1. Everyone knows that tying the legs together keeps the inside moist. (And I can verify this is true!) (DON'T ASK)

The one where Julie gets serious

My friend Sarah has let me know that her niece Mattie is in need of a lot of prayers, so I am turning to you, my readers, to ask for help.

Mattie is 4 years old, and she was diagnosed with a brain tumor at the age of two. Her parents went through fourteen months of treatment with her and she was pronounced cancer free in January of this year.  This photo is a picture of her that was used in a St. Jude's print ad in August 2008, when she was being treated for the initial illness.

Unfortunately, the cancer has recurred and this little gal is in trouble.

I would like to ask all of you to say a prayer for this beautiful little lady, and keep her in your thoughts. The power of prayer can work miracles, and Mattie is in desperate need of a miracle this holiday season.

She has a Caring Bridge website set up, please click here to go to the site and get caught up on Mattie's story. Feel free to sign the guest book to let this family know that they are in your thoughts and prayers as they navigate their way through this life changing experience. Or else just leave them a comment here, and I will make sure Sarah gets the blog link to Mattie's parents, so that they can read all the prayers we are sending out to their little girl.

Also, I'd like to remind you that you can donate to St. Jude's Children's Hospital at participating retailers this holiday shopping season. Sarah explained to me that St. Jude's provided at least a million dollars worth of treatment for Mattie during her stay, and provided food every day for her family. Target paid for 100% of their housing and furniture during the 8 months or so they had to live in Memphis while Mattie was being treated.

Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks for the blessings in our lives. I know Mattie is a wonderful blessing to her parents and family, and I send them comfort and love today and every day to come.

God bless you, Miss Mattie.

Then and now

April to November. 

Big changes (85 lbs) for Jordan, some change (35 lbs) for me. 

But I'm not done yet.

Stay tuned.  By this coming April, I'll be his size!